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[furryclan]  |  [furryclan] forums  |  Jokes and freaky stuff  |  Topic: Jokes and freaky stuff volume 1 « previous next »
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Author Topic: Jokes and freaky stuff volume 1  (Read 298157 times)
[predaeus]
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Jokes and freaky stuff volume 1
« on: 2003-03-24 10:37:20 »

Voodoo Penis



A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.



He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.



"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.



"Except what?" the man asked.



"Nothing, nothing."



"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"



"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."



"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.



The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.



The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"



The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."



He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.



"I'll take it!" said the businessman.



The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.



The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."



He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.



She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.



She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.



Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.



A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.



Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"



The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"



found on <a href="http://www.hehe.at/funworld/" target="_blank">http://www.hehe.at/funworld/</a>
« Last Edit: 2007-01-03 07:48:46 by [furrycat] » Logged
[predaeus]
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Will we ever beat that?
« Reply #1 on: 2003-04-01 08:14:02 »

Nine day computer game exhausts boy



A 14-year-old Romanian boy has suffered a breakdown after reportedly playing a computer game for nine days and nights in a row.



Michel Savin collapsed in an internet cafe and was taken to hospital where doctors said he was physically and mentally exhausted.



His mother said he had become so addicted to playing Counter Strike that he had lost weight, missed classes and stopped washing.



Magda Savin, from Iasi, says she intends to ask the authorities to ban youngsters from internet cafes after 10pm.



Mrs Savin told National newspaper: "My son spends his nights and days in front of the computer playing this game.



"He missed hundreds of classes, he lies, steals things from the house to sell them and get money for the internet. He didn't wash for days and lost about 18lbs."



Story filed: 11:36 Monday 31st March 2003
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nN
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #2 on: 2003-04-01 15:47:00 »

Yes it's the internet cafe's fault!
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[Nataliia]
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #3 on: 2003-04-01 16:13:15 »

Well, it can't be the mom's fault. I mean, her responsibility ended when she was discharged from the hospital after giving birth...now the duties rest with the remainder of society of which she wants no part of.



<mumble>stupid bitch</grumble>



/me puts away soap box and flees this topic before I really get going...
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #4 on: 2003-04-01 16:16:52 »

...



Let's not go there Nat.  I don't need to be reminded of all the parent-teacher interviews that I had to give last year when I was teaching in Japan.  I can't count the number of parents who accused me of NOT teaching their kids morality.



...nevermind the fact that I had 40 kids in my homeroom class.  That is, on average, 1 minutes of attention, per kid, per class that I give.  I wonder what the ratio of adult/child is at home, hmm?



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[Nataliia]
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #5 on: 2003-04-02 01:17:42 »

Quote:

I wonder what the ratio of adult/child is at home, hmm?






If it's 1 to 40, then these folks need to learn about birth control!
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #6 on: 2003-04-02 01:28:16 »

Akk!!



Don't get me started on birth control in Japan.  I've had too many teenage students of mine who loved to keep me at my desk until late hours in the evening, asking me to explain about the facts of life....



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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #7 on: 2003-04-02 01:56:53 »

You did WHAT to young japanese students on your desk late at night?
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #8 on: 2003-04-02 02:21:31 »

tell you what, you ship me out there, and i will show all the little asian beauties the facts of life, first hand...



er...

...dick.
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[GhostRider]
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #9 on: 2003-04-02 04:15:46 »

Quote:

now the duties rest with the remainder of society




Well, what's that liberal beeyatch always saying?  It takes a village to raise a child?



<ducks and runs before [Don] get's in here>
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[Nataliia]
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #10 on: 2003-04-02 11:54:30 »

[GhostRider

wrote on Wed, 02 April 2003 00:15It takes a village to raise a child?




If the village tries to tell me how to raise my child, I'm going to kick them in the rear. When the village pays her way through band (argh!) and college, then the village can have a say in how she's raised.

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[jimforthewin]
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #11 on: 2003-04-02 12:36:39 »

/me throws in $5.



Ok, I have a few suggestions....
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[Nataliia]
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #12 on: 2003-04-02 13:48:08 »

$5?!? I was offered $250 for her when we were camping a couple of weeks ago! She's a slim red-head, I'm holding out for the good bids  Cheesy
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #13 on: 2003-04-02 15:07:50 »

Yeh but shes such a minger



/me runs like really farrrr
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Re: Jokes and freaky stuff
« Reply #14 on: 2003-04-02 15:14:41 »

Bob's just jealous because he's unable to reproduce due to the "accident" with the vacuum hose and Lubriderm.
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